WARNING TRIGGER CONTENT!!!!
It's that feeling again, the feeling of utter hopelessness and self-contempt when I've been reminded that there is more to me than I want to disclose or divulge to others or the world. I wonder at times if other transgenders hate being trans sometimes in their lives and what triggers the self-contempt or why would they feel that way that drives them into trans suicide.
Well, at times, I hate being transgender because I knew from the start that I will loose my cisgender privilege or not feel entitled to the same social circles or connection among cisgender people who are safe in their social status, identity, lifestyles, and their skin leaving me to cope, compartmentalize, and endure as a trans person while having to build thicker skin and sometimes even brick walls to preserve my own emotional intelligence and human spirit.
This is a therapy session for me so I wrote down a list of the things that makes me feel self contempt or why I hate being transgender at times, so here they are:
What causes my gender dysphoria?
I don't have the gender dysphoria of the mind but the body. Society causes most of my gender dysphoria. The idea of what others can dictate what I can or can't do as a trans person and putting trans people in a box.
The main part of why I hate being transgender sometimes, is that I get so tired of living as one because my life can become utterly meaningless when everyone you knew or used to know cuts you off and you don't want to feel like starting over again and again and again and again because time is against you. I'm not young anymore and I have felt my childhood into adulthood had been robbed from me. That everyone that has happened in my life then and now is my fault, I failed myself, and that my life is not worth living anymore.
Robin Williams have lived his life very opposite of what he was truly feeling off cameras. I can strongly relate to that. I can be so happy, put together, well-composed, optimistic, positive, etc. in public because I feel like I have to and I must as my life has been quite the opposite of that. At home, alone, I am in the dark, it's nothing by negativity, and it's so depressing. I loved my image, the male image, but to me, looking in the mirror, I feel like that is all that I am and that is all that the world sees, the outer presentation of me but the inside, is all a different story. My body is history inside and opening me up, I feel that, if I open myself up, others can easily kill me, and if it's not others that would try to kill me, then I could kill me (hypothetically speaking in a hyper-dysphoric sense).
I hate being transgender because I can never have a normal life. My life would be short-lived. And it is, in this dark emotional state, a notion influenced by the whole of society is what drives a trans person to kill themselves slowly in silence.
It's not the end!
I have to remind myself that self-love is all I've got and that it may feel hopeless now but I must keep going to see the sun rise and the sun sets. What helps is finding your fight song, a song that gives you your power back. Mine is Breathe · Télépopmusik · Angela McCluskey 🎵
Lastly, remember, "Just breathe! Another day! Just believe!" 🎵
My boyfriend would bust out the guitar and sing The Starting Line - Island (Float Away) 🎵 to pull me back whenever I begin to drift away and pull vanishing acts by not coming home for a few days back-to-back as a coping mechanism to severe depression, that worries him, and it breaks the dark spell 100%. This is such a gender neutral song and it makes me emotionally sentimental and I cry whenever I hear it because the lyrics give me meaning and mostly it's an imprint that my boyfriend created for me with this song.
If you or anyone who identifies as transgender and have thoughts of self-harm or contemplation of suicide, please contact Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860
Kaneda Yoshida (male pronouns: he/him/his) is a transgender (FTM) who blogs about his life's journey and experience as a transgender (FTM).