I Hate Being Transgender

Photo courtesy: Kaneda Yoshida
"Keep going!" - A Transgender Suicide Prevention Project (T.C.A.C.)

WARNING TRIGGER CONTENT!!!!

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It's that feeling again, the feeling of utter hopelessness and self-contempt when I've been reminded that there is more to me than I want to disclose or divulge to others or the world. I wonder at times if other transgenders hate being trans sometimes in their lives and what triggers the self-contempt or why would they feel that way that drives them into trans suicide.

Well, at times, I hate being transgender because I knew from the start that I will loose my cisgender privilege or not feel entitled to the same social circles or connection among cisgender people who are safe in their social status, identity, lifestyles, and their skin leaving me to cope, compartmentalize, and endure as a trans person while having to build thicker skin and sometimes even brick walls to preserve my own emotional intelligence and human spirit.

This is a therapy session for me so I wrote down a list of the things that makes me feel self contempt or why I hate being transgender at times, so here they are:

• When I go through challenges as a trans person and a well-privilege or entitled cisgender person pities or feel sorry for me. No one wants to be pitied for who they are, for having to endure, or be reminded of their sufferings, past or present. Most trans people already have to deal and cope with their own loss of vanity and the denial from society.
• When any sense of trans-sensitivity is inexistant and I'm being made the burden such as a family member telling me to not be upset if their friends or other family members misgender me and out me against my will.
• When people tell me that I'm too sensitive when words like "tranny", "shemale", "hemale", etc. are casually used to describe transgender people who are suffering on the streets, either homeless or does not have accessible resources to thrive in society. 
• When the sole focus of any social interaction is always about me being transgender and that's all I ever am, a token trans person, and people don't see me pass the transgender part. It makes me feel like I'm just this "thing" subject to a topic of a fetish conversation.
• When public commentators, social media influencers, politicians, or people with power denies transgender people's rights to exist or point them out to blame and shame.
• When I have to use the fucking public bathrooms if it's not an all-inclusive one and fucked up anti-trans people have something to say about transgender people.
• When I have to beg for health care and no doctor really cares. Never ever being able to share with anyone, not a soul, except for my partner, about being pregnant with him and having three miscarriages without being treated as a freak or being called "disgusting" by others.
• When I got let go (fired/terminated/laid-off) for being four months pregnant on the job where I could not perform physical duties. In this moment, I hated being transgender the most! After a miscarriage, I never wanted to get pregnant, be pregnant, or carry ever again. It had hurt too much! And since then, I always take an at home pregnancy test just in case once a month to make sure that I don't be pregnant especially not while I'm bottom pre-op.
• When institutions find out I am transgender and treats me differently in a form of casual racism and discrimination for being a person of color and a triple minority.
• When people who didn't know I was transgender before then finds out that I'm transgender now who used to socialize (be friendly) with me just suddenly stop socializing with me, acting like they never knew me and become condescending, mean, or unkind.
• When I have to explain who or why the way that I am.
• When other people measure me up, understate, undermine, overlook, and bypass my background, experience, tenure, talents, capabilities, credentials, etc. just because I'm transgender who attempts or fully proceeds to humiliate, bully, overpower, or becomes severely condescending towards my timid nature or triggered nervous demeanor (my anxiety peaks especially when I'm being triggered from that form of direct or indirect mistreatment) under situational abuse in isolated incidences.  
• When I'm not included in the male social circle setting because I don't fall to the "you're not a real man" standards for not being born with a penis and being treated as the "IT" in the group.
• When others befriend me but put me in the closet at the same time.
• When I have to deal with the biological female parts of me and maintain the aesthetic male parts of me.
• When I feel like I can never have a life that is whole or complete because family cuts me out of any family gatherings, etc. and therefore I feel I don't have a real family to be around that loves me or supports me genuinely or wholeheartedly.
• When I have to be told or taught to have thicker skin to endure the abuse of others around me for being me and compartmentalizing the unkindness by burying it into the pit of my stomach to the point of emotional distress and silent panic attacks around my indirect or direct abusers.
• When I have to go through therapy to save myself from the worse of my emotional loneliness and others treat me like I'm unstable, crazy, weird, or give off-putting vibes just for seeking help.
• When I see how easy it must be for cisgender people to live a life acceptable to the views of society while I suffer and have to endure but anything I would express is seen as trouble, drama, or attention seeking.
• When I am oppressed and have no rights to entitlement due to my transgender status, I have to beg for everything: medical care, a promotion, a job, and other rights that cisgender people have that transgender people equally need or should be given the equal opportunity. 
• When I have to keep to myself 24/7, my life is like a total secret, and I feel that there is truly no one, absolutely, no one, in the world that I can share or relate to leading up to the feeling of being tired of living and contemplation of suicide. 

What causes my gender dysphoria?

I don't have the gender dysphoria of the mind but the body. Society causes most of my gender dysphoria. The idea of what others can dictate what I can or can't do as a trans person and putting trans people in a box. 

The main part of why I hate being transgender sometimes, is that I get so tired of living as one because my life can become utterly meaningless when everyone you knew or used to know cuts you off and you don't want to feel like starting over again and again and again and again because time is against you. I'm not young anymore and I have felt my childhood into adulthood had been robbed from me. That everyone that has happened in my life then and now is my fault, I failed myself, and that my life is not worth living anymore. 

Robin Williams have lived his life very opposite of what he was truly feeling off cameras. I can strongly relate to that. I can be so happy, put together, well-composed, optimistic, positive, etc. in public because I feel like I have to and I must as my life has been quite the opposite of that. At home, alone, I am in the dark, it's nothing by negativity, and it's so depressing. I loved my image, the male image, but to me, looking in the mirror, I feel like that is all that I am and that is all that the world sees, the outer presentation of me but the inside, is all a different story. My body is history inside and opening me up, I feel that, if I open myself up, others can easily kill me, and if it's not others that would try to kill me, then I could kill me (hypothetically speaking in a hyper-dysphoric sense).

I hate being transgender because I can never have a normal life. My life would be short-lived. And it is, in this dark emotional state, a notion influenced by the whole of society is what drives a trans person to kill themselves slowly in silence. 

​It's not the end!

I have to remind myself that self-love is all I've got and that it may feel hopeless now but I must keep going to see the sun rise and the sun sets. What helps is finding your fight song, a song that gives you your power back. Mine is Breathe · Télépopmusik · Angela McCluskey 🎵​

Lastly, remember, "Just breathe! Another day! Just believe!" 🎵
​

My boyfriend would bust out the guitar and sing The Starting Line - Island (Float Away) ​🎵 to pull me back whenever I begin to drift away and pull vanishing acts by not coming home for a few days back-to-back as a coping mechanism to severe depression, that worries him, and it breaks the dark spell 100%. This is such a gender neutral song and it makes me emotionally sentimental and I cry whenever I hear it because the lyrics give me meaning and mostly it's an imprint that my boyfriend created for me with this song.

​If you or anyone who identifies as transgender and have thoughts of self-harm or contemplation of suicide, please contact Trans Lifeline ​(877) 565-8860