"There are many religions out there that I couldn't follow because it goes against who I am as a transgender being. When I was younger, my parents tried to humiliate me in front of a Cambodian monk, and they said in Khmer, "My child is gay (katheoy) and it's shameful." This monk said to my parents, "Gay (katheoy) people are people, nonetheless." As a way to tell them to not treat me with such contempt. When I was a bit older, my friends invited me to a Christian sermon as a chance or a way to prove that Christianity was going to liberate me and help me quell my identity crisis. I had already studied and read the Holy Bible front and back. However, after disclosing that I was bisexual to the preacher, he judged me, called me a sinner, and the preacher banned me from entering their place of worship. He felt that because I was LGBTQ and that I kept asking him questions against the religion which was seen as blasphemous. Christianity and Catholism were the two disappointing religions that I had stayed away from ever since. It taught me nothing. As an adult, I was never rejected by Buddhism. As a matter of fact, I was raised Buddhist but I never really paid attention to what Buddhism or its teachings had to offer. One of the first LGBTQ films that I have ever watched was not "Boys Don't Cry" but instead, it was, "Beautiful Boxer", a true story and event about a transgender woman named Parinya.
Of all the LGBTQ films out there in existence, "Beautiful Boxer" was the film that I related to the most, it was so close to the Khmer culture. I laughed and cried with this movie. What saddens me a bit is that I share this film to others here in the United States but most people are reluctant to watch it because it is a Thai original language film and most people are too lazy, rather ignorant, to read the subtitles. They are missing out on the entire picture that makes up what it is like to be transgender growing up in the Khmer and Thai culture. It's a total human experience all on its own. Parinya had it a bit easier than me growing up. She didn't have to deal with abuse as much but more of the pain living in dysphoria. Each of our stories is different but that suffering is all the same. I own this movie in its original title and language. I understand Thai so it's good enough for me. So that inspired me to study Buddhism and eventually religions across the world. I found spiritualism, or Agnostism, to be one that I can identify and relate to much more than any other. This is Kodo Nishimura and his story is very rare so I wish to share it on My Trans Life Blog post. However, we do have one out of almost two things in common, that we are a member of the LGBTQ, he is cisgender gay whereas I am transgender bi-sexual, and that we both pupils of Buddhism and students of cosmetology, we do makeup and are professional MUAs. Click on the image below to watch his full documentary!
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When I was growing up, I choose to be Americanized after rebelling against my strict father. At a family dinner one day, we sat down and my father scolded me about something (I forgot how that quarrel started to be honest), and so to hurt him, I told my father that I'm an American as to denounce his efforts to influence me to be more Khmer than American, he had yelled at me and said, "Snak cheam koun chee Khmer, kom pleat!" (My child, you're flesh and blood is Khmer, don't forget (who you are and you're ancestors)!" Ever since that incident, both my parents never had Khmer style family dinners together. Looking back and hating that I was raised up Khmer by my father, I truly regret what I said because at that point, my father did give up on raising me to uphold the Khmer culture. I wished that I took more time understanding why he wanted us to be raised more Cambodian above all else than ignoring every Khmer value, principle, tradition, cultural and historical teachings that he was trying to impose on us. However, partial to why I was so rebellious where also the machoistic way that my father was brought up and how he failed to execute those teachings. I felt, if he was less militant and more gentler or kind, then I would be more receptive to learn how to be Khmer. So my father is dying and he has very little time on Earth, he's my only direct lineage and connection to the footholds of his motherland, Cambodia. My mother told me to forgive and that it's not a good time for me to cut those ties with him. So I won't. And above all, I want to honor my father's heritage. He's right all along. Cambodia (Kampuchea) and the Angkorean Empire is a rich and superior culture that the rest of the world knows very little about. I'll be honest. Everyone knows where and what Japan/Japanese person is. Everyone knows where and what France/French person is. Do a lot of people, old and new generation here in America or anywhere else know where and what Cambodia/Cambodian person is? Nope! We're often mistaken for other ethnic cultures. Our cousin, the Thai's, are not even close, even though we share the same origins rooting back to Indianization. My father knew this and I'm sure he wanted us to be proud and to be visible and to represent and to keep the Khmer culture, history, traditions, language, and life alive because Cambodia is such a tragedy. The Kingdom of Kampuchea was a fallen Angkorean Empire through draught, war, and constant invasions. Perhaps, being transgender kept me from fully understanding the tragedies of Cambodia, the recent history of Cambodia was so tragic that learning about it was like a double edge sword for me growing up and already so wounded by the cruel people of the world. The Khmer Rouge regime was evil, inhumane, and cruel. The reason why my father was so proud to be Khmer is due to the fact that Cambodia's rich culture, traditions, and it's ancient prehistoric history predates way back before the time of Jesus Christ and Buddha, with it's Lemurian origins. The Khmer Empire was built upon sacred sankrit texts brought by the 'krus' from India, which its continents were also of Lemurian land. No where else in the world could declare the majesty that is Cambodia, the sacred temples that my ancestors have built for us so we don't forget who we are, where we come from, and the majesty of the land. Let's not forget, our true ethnic origins indeed originate from India. That's right! We were Indianized since the beginning before we were colonized by the French. Before we were even Khmers, we were the Angkorean people ruled by Angkor kings, the capital city then was known as Angkar, before it was renamed to current day Phnom Pehn. Our root race were the Kambuja, a tribe. The Khmers were born from Princess Soma, the Naga King's daughter, and a an Indian priest, Prince Kaudinya I. Cambodia is called Kampuchea in Khmer. Before those terms, we were the Kambuja of the Angkorean Empire. The word "raja" was often used, "raja" means, "God King" in Indian sanskrit to describe former Khmer Kings that ruled ancient Angkor. Below is an animated story of the Angkorean Empire and it's root during the time of Preah Sumer (Ancient Sumer) of which Angkor Wat was built based on Mount Meru aka Mount Sinai or Sumer. The Great Khmer Empire - Khmer Original Audio The Great Khmer Empire - English Dubbing I have come to realized, now that I'm of mature age, how depressing I actually was being an Asian-American. Let's be real here. I had to fight being a triple minority. Other Americans would tell my parents or me to go back to my own country even though I was born and raised here in America. I've had Karens of all other colors and non-colors be so absolutely racist, thanks to the pandemic, and the uptick in hate crimes against Asians Pacific Islanders, that it made me realize that America is the shittiest country. How can I be a proud American? Look at our governmental system, homelessness, hate crimes, drugs, healthcare system, mental health, stress, stress, stress, etc. and the list goes on. America compared to other countries has losts its way. To my dear parents, being told to go to America and to live or pursue the American dream was a LIE! I feel that Americans who tell me that it's my parents fault for not trying hard enough to pursue the American dream, well, I tell you, seeing how America has raised its American children, there is no culture, no sense of value, principle, or any tradition that stands. You have American kids going to strip clubs, shooting up schools, doing anything and everything that makes them dumber and dumber. Most Americans are also so entitled, it's ridiculous! No one says, "Please." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Excuse me." All or any sense of niceties or manners, non-existent! I recently dealt with a Karen neighbor who heard me speaking in my native languages, that is Cambodian and French, she came over to our yard and start yelling at me, "No! You CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH, you don't look FRENCH, you are NOT FRENCH!" I mean, we were completely minding our own business, on our own property, and she trespassed us. My friend who's darker skin Khmer, he gets mistaken for black, begun to speak to me in Khmer, she snaps at him, got in his personal space, and screamed at him, "SPEAK ENGLISH NEGRO! (MIMICS FOREIGN NOISES.)" And she was being completely racists. I've never seen anything like this in person. You know what the sadder part was, she was Phillipino-Caucasion mixed American, however, totally Americanized and she was white-presenting so she had her privilege. This was how I knew that America has losts its fucking values and how much I hated being Asian-American or just living in America. Land of the free? No, not really. There are the privilege and the under-privilege. We called the cops and she was playing the victim like all Karens do but don't fret, we got it all on camera because I was filming our Khmer New Year BBQ get together up in Antioch this past weekend. The other thing was, she wasn't even a resident next door, and was visiting her friend's home which were owned by white people. None of my family members, my friends, etc. are racist. We don't care if you are white, black, or a person of color. Anyone can be and act like a Karen. My point is, I'm so disappointed that there are Karens like this that represents America, American people, etc. It makes other respectable Americans look bad. The problem that I do have with America, is not only with the racists Americans or the Karens of America but the the American system. You can't sit there and tell me that America treats its people well. The statistics weigh that America is the number ONE that lacks free healthcare for their people (so many Americans are in medical debt, with me being one of them), lacks any solution to homelessness or drugs, lacks proper educational and fundamental academics or skills that prepares children for the real world not teach bullshit or have bullshit members in the Board of Education that don't care, and is solely based on capitalistic corporate power and greed. Sure. It's built on a democracy but can you have true democracy where oppression against Black Lives or hate against Asian Pacific Islanders, or basically against people of color exist? All of these things only exist in America, and United States of America has become like a third world country where all other Americans look forward to is just surviving but you're not truly living. I can speak whatever language that I want, I mean this is America, land of the free right? Is this wrong for me to speak French, being a quarter French? Also, what does a French person supposed to look like? And if you are describing a French person to me, how prejudice are you? What would you call a Chinese person born and raised in France and raised as a French person with a French accent? They are French, regardless of what label a prejudiced person wants to make about their Chinese features, they are French, born and raised! I mean you wouldn't yell at this French guy to stop speaking fluent Mandarin. Just as you wouldn't yell at a Chinese person to stop speaking fluent French! I hadn't realized how much my father had struggled raising us or how stressed he must had been on top of trying to heal from the horrors of the Cambodian Genocide while he was raising us. Why did he drank so much? Why did he got violent with us? It was because the Khmer Rouge truly fucked him up and how lonely it must have been in his skin to have to go through that while dealing with his children in America, not honoring his Khmer ways while missing the hell out of his home country and deceased loved ones executed by the Khmer Rouge. Not to mention, how strong he HAD to be and why all of those things made both, his mind and heart become so rock hard on all of us. However, with that being said, in its context and perspective alone, I realized my father and I have a lot more in common. We both endure and face our own personal nightmares. His trauma from the Khmer Rouge in counter retrospect to my trauma growing up as a trans child. That our inner and outer human experiences, the anger, the frustration, the persistency, the will to survive through the barriers around us was what made us both strong while we also bump heads, not understanding each other, but in the end, finding forgiveness and peace from it. We tend to listen more to my mother more than my father which was oddly strange. For example, if my father told us to do something, we would hate to adhere to it in fear of being punished but if my mother persuaded us to do something, we would oblige knowing it was fundamental. I learned that both my parents had two polar opposites of raising us and I may have said this before but my mother is the water to the flames of my fathers hot-headed short-temper tantrums. My mother was always more kind through her Japanese demeanor. She's the calm to my father's nightmares and storms. She loves Cambodia, the culture, the history, the traditions, etc. She loved it more over her Japanese side but she did try to preserve her Japanese heritage in her own discreet ways, mostly in her cooking which pissed my father off. You're not supposed to put "kamaboko" in Cambodian noodles but mom did it anyway for my dad who wasn't familiar with "kamaboko" (lol). However, she expressed to me once, that she felt Japan was an already successful country and that everyone knew about Japan but not about Cambodia, how she loved the temples in Cambodia, and the seasons. I hadn't known what she meant but I understand now, that she loved the Spring and Autumn Equinox of Angkor Wat, this was the seasons that she was saying in Khmer but didn't know how to translate it to us. She had said, "Japan is great but nothing is greater than seeing the sunrise to the peak of Angkor Wat in Cambodia..." Now that my parents are older, all of us (his kids) are all adults. My mother can freely express herself so we're still learning new things and information about both of my parents, who they are as people, where they come from, how they had lived, who their ancestors are and their relations, etc. This leads me to regretting being so Americanized and neglecting my ethnic origins while allowing ignorant Americans to bash on my own cultures and their hatred or jealousy towards my father's once successful restaurant on Mission Street and Valencia lead to its downfall. Here is a video of a fellow American who moved out of America and his perspective on America. He explains all the feelings that I have been getting a bit better. I agree with him. The lesson here is, if things have nothing to do with you directly, leave other people alone! There are so many different people in the world. The people who are different and visit or live in either a homogenous country that are ignorant to those who are different from them are to be frowned upon. Those who want to come to America and live the American dream, I tell you, stay where you are or choose Canada or anywhere else but America. Unless you are entitled, priveleged, or have others to hand it down to you, and have a strong support system, you will spend most of your life slaving yourself to a dream that was a lie and end up being homeless unless you have the grit to survive in this culture shock country.
For all those Karens who had either once told my parents and me to go back to my own country, I'll tell you in turn, "Absolutely would love to return to the motherland of my ancestors. Now run me my fucking one-way ticket bitch!" Hey, I've dealt with assholes most of my life. I think it's my turn to be an asshole for once. Anyway, I'm planning to leave America when I hit 45. I'm moving to Phnom Pehn, Cambodia in 2029 indefinitely. I decided that if I do die, I don't want to die in America, I want to die and be buried in my father's homeland and be buried in the soil of my ancestors. If I prematurely happen to die in America, I swear to all the Gods, I'm haunting America (lol) because I've been nothing but unhappy growing up in America, this is the truth, 80% of my memories are depressing here which is why I choose to be a positive/happy person everyday and keep away from negative/unhappy people. 90% of my life has been dark and depressing, both at home and the outside world. When people are kind to me or accept me for who I truly am, it's new to me, even now. Another thing, growing up, asking for anything is a struggle. I've never been raised on how to ask for anything (for help) in any way because my father would punish us when we ask for anything from him, we were left to figure most things out for ourselves and I would become a nervous wreck, as a child and even now as an adult. I'm also an introvert. At one point in my young adult life, I was reclused, my routine was go to work and go home, be alone, and cut everyone out. I had done so out of hurt and pain but I've learned to manage the hurt and painful memories of the past. I learned, I wasn't at fault. I shouldn't punish myself anymore. For now, I'll be making yearly trips to Cambodia to reconnaissance, find a suitable place to reside, connect with my father's side of the family, and get more familiar with my home country. What career do I want in Cambodia? What impact do I want to make for my home country? What can I take from America into Cambodia? How can I leave in imprint in America and my home country? Choul Chnam Thmey means Happy Khmer New Year in Khmer language. This past Sunday, I went on a short hike with my Canadian and European friends to get my zen back and clear up any bad mojo. On Monday, I prepped Cambodian food to celebrate Khmer New Year coming up on April 12th, 13th, and 14th. There is no Cambodian temple that I know if that could go to give offerings to, in Khmer, which is called bon (pronounced quite the same in French as the 'bon' in 'bonjour') and the Khmer word for bon means good fortune or to accumulate good karma used interchangeable with Bon Choul Chnam Thmey. I will just had to do one at home which is an opportunity to share my Cambodian culture and tradition with my boyfriend and our friends. Yesterday, after prepping for Cambodian dishes, we went to a karaoke bar in Little Koreatown and just sang our hearts out. I've always wondered how Cambodia celebrates Khmer New Year so my Thai girl-friend showed me this video. It looked so much fun! My father normally half joked (rather flirted) with my mother that Khmer New Year was when all the handsome boys and girls would dress up, show off all their gold jewelry which symbolizes how much wealth one had, and try to attract or find their mate (seek their future husband or wife), they would dance together, there would be a lot of games like chap kon kleng (catch sparrows). These were the original Khmer New Year celebratory traditions and in today's age, you hardly see these traditions anymore. Very few Khmers still celebrate the tradition way. I'm so out of touch with the Cambodian side of my culture. I know I'm loosing the language because I could only count Khmer numbers up to five then forget the rest. I had to Google what 5, 7, 8, 9, and 10 were. I just forgot! It doesn't mean I don't speak Khmer fluently, I can speak and understand it but I don't know a lot of other Khmer people other than my own family members. I realize how much I want to visit my father's homeland. Everything seems so much more fun and happier there. America has become so depressing. All you hear about in the news are mass shooting, hate crimes, and a list of entitled racial groups that spend more time in life oppressing other racial groups to gain or maintain social or political power. If it's not about power than it's just all about money and social status in America. America has lost its value, principles, traditions, and culture. It's not fun! Thanks to the pandemic and the target on transgender people, I deal with racism and transphobia from time to time to a point where I don't even want to go out and have fun in America soil alone. I think I'm truly deeply unhappy living in America that I'm looking into moving to one of my other homeland countries either Cambodia, Japan, or France. So far, Cambodia is my number one choice. It's affordable! The people of Cambodia is all about peace and prosperity. For a country that endured some seriously bull shit like the Khmer Rouge between 1975-1979, there is a sense of more appreciation in life than anywhere else in the world. I feel like I can heal alongside my father's homeland, Cambodia, and also get back into my roots. It's definitely a future that I see as I get older and retire. I'm absolutely not breathing my last breath and dying of old age in America. I want to lay where my ancestors rest. The other thing that I love about Cambodia, is the street food. I spent an entire half the day watching these videos which inspired me to cook Khmer food. I realized how long it has been that I've had any Khmer food. My favorite dishes are Bang Chav and Dut Yao-Hon. I love watching videos like this, it's so therapeutic to me and inspirational. I'm aspiring to open up my own Khmer food truck by early next year 2024. In the Cambodian Street Food video, at 41:50, I knew the guy was Yuan (Vietnamese) speaking Khmer because of his native accent. I love all his tattoos and piercings! That was pretty dope! I felt like if I weren't in a queer relationship with my current partner, I would totally marry a Khmer girl. Khmer girls have a little of everything in them that makes them cute, sexy, and unique. When I was little, my parents would watch Cambodian traditional and classical music where the apsaras would dance. I would have these tiny crushes on the female apsara dancers. They were all so beautiful in the gowns, crowns, etc. All glittery, sparkly, and gold. Nice and clean makeup. Longggg black hair. Nice long painted nails. Smooth skin. That kind of thing. Like what kind of man won't be attracted to a Cambodian girl? If you have never seen the documentary, "Cambodia's Lost Rock & Roll", then you should. During the Khmer Rouge regime, the Khmer culture, traditions, music, art, education, books, etc. those who were mixed (non pure Khmer), wore glasses, spoke multiple languages, were politicians, teachers, queer, etc. were executed! Cambodia had lost 99% of intellectuals who would have made the Kingdom of Kampuchea a great nation, the country would have been just as strong and would have been more developed and advance as any other. My country has become one of the most underrated nation in the world. We were forgotten and closed off from the world in hell on Earth for five years, 1975-1979, and no one knew of the mass genocide that occurred until the Vietnam War broke out and American soldiers entered the border of Vietnam in to Northern Cambodia. Thanks to Thailand who gave refuge to the fleeing Khmers. I was never raised to be prejudiced or hold grudges against Cambodia's neighboring countries. My parents hold high gratitude to their Khmer-Thai, Viet, and Loas counterparts, especially the French who aided my parents between 1979 to 1999. However, in 1997, there was a coup that occurred in Cambodia which deterred tourists. It was known as the 1997 Cambodian coup d'état held by Hun Sen. My father despises Hun Sen and many Khmers felt that Hun Sen was not leading Cambodia or the people where it needs to be and he was truly corrupt. As the music of the new generation in Cambodia, is evolving, it is the young Khmer generation in Cambodia that is leading it's nation into love, peace, and healing. The younger generation is taking a twist on bridging tradition Khmer music and contemporary pop-rock modern music, so through it's collaboration, I'm just loving it! I always believed that music is an art and the gateway to the inner depths of the human expression, it was also the one thing that the Khmer Rouge attempted to destroy which was anything that makes us feel or be human. It is through music where I know Cambodia's older generation (Khmer Rouge survivors), my country, my people, and that the young generation of Khmers in Cambodia is helping our once war torn country back on track to prosperity through healing. Je blogue celui-ci en français parce qu'aucun de mes frères et sœurs ne peut le lire ou le comprendre. Pas que l'un d'eux s'en soucie. J'écrirai aussi quelques parties en anglais. Maybe, maybe not. I will write this in all French. English is boring.
La raison en est qu'ils disent tous qu'ils m'acceptent mais qu'ils ont honte de moi à l'intérieur. Je le sais parce qu'en ce qui concerne les rassemblements sociaux, les vacances ou les sorties, je ne suis jamais invité ou le dernier à savoir, mais jamais directement ou personnellement invité, mais ils jubileraient ou se vanteraient du plaisir qu'ils avaient ensemble. Ils me font me sentir mal d'avoir raté quelque chose. La vie semble tourner autour d'eux. Quand il s'agit de moi, ma vie, qui je suis, ce que je fais, qui j'aime, où j'en suis dans la vie, ma carrière, etc., ils regardent ailleurs. Invalidation est le mot. Je me sens toujours invisible autour d'eux. Je ne m'en suis rendu compte qu'au dernier rassemblement où j'ai appris la vraie nature des sentiments qu'ils ont tous à mon sujet en tant que frère transgenre de la famille ou frère qui a rencontré des parents à Osaka, au Japon, quand j'étais enfant ou que j'avais des revenus et des ressources pour voyager en Europe et en Asie. En gros, sortez de la boîte à merde dans laquelle ils vivent tous. L'un d'eux a finalement dû dire : Je ne veux rien avoir à faire avec toi. Pour me faire réaliser, ouais, c'est ce que je soupçonnais depuis le début. C'est de la connerie totale et c'est intolérable. J'ai donc choisi de rompre tous les liens avec mes frères et sœurs. J'ai récemment coupé les ponts avec mes parents pour m'avoir poussé à tolérer d'autres abus émotionnels. Même en tant qu'adulte. J'ai passé la majeure partie de mon enfance et de mon jeune âge à être maltraitée. J'en ai eu assez! Well, my parents are actually a bit more acceptive so I haven't really cut them off my life completely out of unconditional love for them. However, I was very upset with them both for awhile so therefore I hadn't spoken to them for about two months. Les seules relations de sang avec lesquelles je reste en contact sont mes relations familiales à distance. Ce sont des beaux-parents ou des cousins très éloignés avec qui soit ils choisissent de ne pas rester en contact avec mes parents, soit ils ne se sont jamais rencontrés, soit ils savent que nous sommes liés par mariage familial. Cela inclut récemment mes demi-frères qui sont les fils de mon père. L'un réside à Phnom Pehn, au Cambodge. L'autre réside à Lyon, en France. Je suis entré en contact avec eux via Facebook. Mon beau-frère aîné, celui qui vit à Lyon, en France, est celui avec qui je reste souvent en contact et avec qui je parle français. Ils se fichent tous les deux de ce que je suis. Un garçon. Une fille. Je suis leur jeune demi-frère d'Amérique. J'ai récemment demandé à quoi ressemblait la vie au Cambodge et en France. J'essaie de décider où je veux déménager et prendre ma retraite quand je serai plus âgé. Une fois que je me suis mariée avec mon petit ami en Italie, nous pouvons déménager en France et y rester ou nous pouvons vivre au Cambodge. Je penche plus vers le Cambodge parce que c'est abordable. Je peux être enseignant. Ou être un chef. Ou entrez dans la technologie et aidez le Cambodge à développer des affaires pour les familles cambodgiennes qui ont besoin de travail et gagnent leur vie pour élever leur famille. Je veux parler moins anglais et parler plus de mes langues maternelles. Je ne veux pas que l'anglais soit ma langue dominante. Si je le pouvais, je parlerais plus cambodgien, français et japonais à chaque fois que j'en aurai l'occasion. Je peux laisser derrière moi mes frères et sœurs et ma vie misérable en Amérique. Il semble que l'Amérique manque de tradition et je cherche à revenir dans les traditions, la culture et à trouver plus de sens à ma vie que simplement vivre ou survivre. C'est au jour le jour. L'herbe est plus verte quelque part. Il y a des gens plus gentils là-bas. Il y a de beaux couchers et levers de soleil quelque part. Quand j'atteindrai l'âge de quarante-neuf ans, je retournerai à mes racines. Et ce n'est certainement pas ici en Amérique. WARNING TRIGGER CONTENT!!!!It's that feeling again, the feeling of utter hopelessness and self-contempt when I've been reminded that there is more to me than I want to disclose or divulge to others or the world. I wonder at times if other transgenders hate being trans sometimes in their lives and what triggers the self-contempt or why would they feel that way that drives them into trans suicide. Well, at times, I hate being transgender because I knew from the start that I will loose my cisgender privilege or not feel entitled to the same social circles or connection among cisgender people who are safe in their social status, identity, lifestyles, and their skin leaving me to cope, compartmentalize, and endure as a trans person while having to build thicker skin and sometimes even brick walls to preserve my own emotional intelligence and human spirit. This is a therapy session for me so I wrote down a list of the things that makes me feel self contempt or why I hate being transgender at times, so here they are:
What causes my gender dysphoria? I don't have the gender dysphoria of the mind but the body. Society causes most of my gender dysphoria. The idea of what others can dictate what I can or can't do as a trans person and putting trans people in a box. The main part of why I hate being transgender sometimes, is that I get so tired of living as one because my life can become utterly meaningless when everyone you knew or used to know cuts you off and you don't want to feel like starting over again and again and again and again because time is against you. I'm not young anymore and I have felt my childhood into adulthood had been robbed from me. That everyone that has happened in my life then and now is my fault, I failed myself, and that my life is not worth living anymore. Robin Williams have lived his life very opposite of what he was truly feeling off cameras. I can strongly relate to that. I can be so happy, put together, well-composed, optimistic, positive, etc. in public because I feel like I have to and I must as my life has been quite the opposite of that. At home, alone, I am in the dark, it's nothing by negativity, and it's so depressing. I loved my image, the male image, but to me, looking in the mirror, I feel like that is all that I am and that is all that the world sees, the outer presentation of me but the inside, is all a different story. My body is history inside and opening me up, I feel that, if I open myself up, others can easily kill me, and if it's not others that would try to kill me, then I could kill me (hypothetically speaking in a hyper-dysphoric sense). I hate being transgender because I can never have a normal life. My life would be short-lived. And it is, in this dark emotional state, a notion influenced by the whole of society is what drives a trans person to kill themselves slowly in silence. It's not the end! I have to remind myself that self-love is all I've got and that it may feel hopeless now but I must keep going to see the sun rise and the sun sets. What helps is finding your fight song, a song that gives you your power back. Mine is Breathe · Télépopmusik · Angela McCluskey 🎵 Lastly, remember, "Just breathe! Another day! Just believe!" 🎵 My boyfriend would bust out the guitar and sing The Starting Line - Island (Float Away) 🎵 to pull me back whenever I begin to drift away and pull vanishing acts by not coming home for a few days back-to-back as a coping mechanism to severe depression, that worries him, and it breaks the dark spell 100%. This is such a gender neutral song and it makes me emotionally sentimental and I cry whenever I hear it because the lyrics give me meaning and mostly it's an imprint that my boyfriend created for me with this song. If you or anyone who identifies as transgender and have thoughts of self-harm or contemplation of suicide, please contact Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860
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AuthorKaneda Yoshida (male pronouns: he/him/his) is a transgender (FTM) who blogs about his life's journey and experience as a transgender (FTM). Archives
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