Lately, I have been getting sick and falling ill quite a lot with infections relating to my organs. It's to a point where I have racked up quite the medical debt. I try my best to maintain a proper diet which is contains mostly of rice and I cut down any junk food. I drink herbal tea in the evenings. Avoid soda as much as possible. I get cluster headaches or anxiety migraines frequently. I suffer from panic attacks due to anxiety and nervous tension. What I failed to watch out for was my aspirin or NSAID intake over the years to combat my physical symptoms and body aches and pains which is what the doctors always prescribe and I do follow the instructions but now I understand the harm of what over the counter drugs can do to your body over the years. Now I suffer from a stomach ulcer due to aspirin intake over time and this is about 25 years of over the counter drug intake. This is the second time I have had a stomach ulcer. An ulcer of the stomach is a sore on the lining of the stomach where acids build up and gets inflamed caused by an infection. The major cause for a stomach ulcer is neither stress nor consuming any particular food but is caused by over the counter drug intake for a long period of time. My first ulcer was not as worse as this second one. Puking blood is never a good sign and it is alarming because the doctors say that it is the final stage of an ulcer which means that if the ulcer is left untreated, I can have a hole in my stomach which requires surgery which is serious. Although, I'm not surprised or shocked about hearing this news. Some parts of me have given up especially when you live in pain for far too long. I bear a constant pain under my ribs and around my left back sides like something has carved into or constantly is stabbing or squeezing my insides. It burns after I consume food whether liquids or solids which makes me reluctant to eat even when I'm really hungry. My stomach gurgles a lot and I burp up acid reflex. It's like having heartburn but it feels a bit worse because the burn permeates throughout my insides. The pain is so great that I have low energy and I feel unwell. The treatment is laying off these OTC drugs (NSAIDS) and taking antiacids or eating yogurt to ease the ulcer and allow it to heal. No drinking or smoking they always say. There is no real cure for anything, everything is harmful to your health here in the city. For me, the best and only cure is going off grid and being in nature. It's the most holistic cure for me but I feel so trapped in the city. I have had friends and colleagues pass away due to organ infections or organ damage such as the stomach or liver but their deaths were because of poor diet and excessive bad habits while others had died from tumors or cancer. I know that my health conditions are often genetic. My mother has what we call the, "Hiroshima Genes", which a passed down long term DNA radiation effects and aftermath of the atomic bomb. Although, she never went through that event in history, her ancestors have and only a few survived it. She is only fortunate that her kids are born without major birth defects but most of us have dealt with infections constantly when we were younger to an adult age. However, sometimes I wonder if I deal with my infections due to the fact that I transitioned and being on testosterone, a synthetic hormonal drug, has thrown my body off balance, for example, my PH female hormone levels constantly fight with the testosterone hormone drugs, and so my voice constantly fluctuates, my mood will alter, and sometimes my skin texture and physical appearance will too. Sometimes I get the monthly bleedings when on low dose. My body and my bones often ache because testosterone thins the bones and thickens the blood. This is why I have to get my blood drawn every once a year so they can moderate my dosage and avoid health problems.
In conclusion, being a transgender man with genetic infections and battling with illness whether known or unknown will always be a constant thing. There were times where I felt like I was dying. Other times, I wonder how long will this body last. One day the pain will take me and I won't wake up. For me, it's suffering no matter what. Enduring pain and invisible illness, a type that only I experience alone. It's a silent disability but the government or system doesn't see it that way. As long as I have working limbs, I am not considered disable but until my back gives out and I am paralyzed with pain, in a wheelchair, on my deathbed, and draw my last breath from it, then maybe pain can be seen as a disability.
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AuthorKaneda Yoshida (male pronouns: he/him/his) is a transgender (FTM) who blogs about his life's journey and experience as a transgender (FTM). Archives
December 2023
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